Running on auto-pilot
You could tell that she never ate, or slept, and now she was just running on auto-pilot.
Perhaps it was the stress of high school that made her start acting this way. Perhaps it was her friends, or her family, or maybe just a buildup of things that came crashing down.
I’m going to say its all of the above. That girl was me, only a few months ago. I stopped eating, it wasn’t because I was fat but because I didn’t have time in the morning for breakfast, I didn’t take lunch to school for that reason, and by the time I got home to have dinner, I was already past the hunger pains and just felt sick at the sight of food. I’d stay up studying all night then sleep became a rare thing.
Everything was like a dream, or a nightmare. I rarely knew where I was or what I was doing. Only when I was cutting did I have any real grasp on reality. I excused this behaviour as coping with stress. I excused the lack of sleep off as too much homework, when in truth, it was bad dreams. I excused myself from not eating because I wasn’t hungry, when in fact I was starving.
Just before my exams started, two of my close friends started making me aware of not only what I was doing to myself but what I was doing to the people who cared about me.
Although I could tell how much I was hurting them, I still stayed in my ways, it wasn’t until I had a more serious breakdown and landed in hospital that I started to realise I had a problem.
I went to see a counsellor who helped me through quite a few problems. Although I was only with her for a short time, it made a world of difference.
I was able to look at things from a different perspective again. See that some things weren’t my fault and what were I could fix. I stopped cutting and started writing again, which I had done many years before.
Road to recovery
Although its not completely over for me, I’m managing on my own. To an extent. I still don’t like to be alone, and I still yearn to belong to something.
I’m starting to value my friends more, and being more open with them, allowing them to help me in any way I need. I can basically say that through all the suffering I put myself and my friends through, it was those people who helped me get back on my feet.