Helping you get through tough times

Running on auto-pilot

upside down girl courtesy of rachel - amearetteIt was her final year in secondary school. Her clothes were getting big, no one saw her eat, she always had dark circles under her eyes and her arms were always covered.

You could tell that she never ate, or slept, and now she was just running on auto-pilot.

Perhaps it was the stress of high school that made her start acting this way. Perhaps it was her friends, or her family, or maybe just a buildup of things that came crashing down.

No time

I’m going to say its all of the above. That girl was me, only a few months ago. I stopped eating, it wasn’t because I was fat but because I didn’t have time in the morning for breakfast, I didn’t take lunch to school for that reason, and by the time I got home to have dinner, I was already past the hunger pains and just felt sick at the sight of food. I’d stay up studying all night then sleep became a rare thing.

Not coping

Everything was like a dream, or a nightmare. I rarely knew where I was or what I was doing. Only when I was cutting did I have any real grasp on reality. I excused this behaviour as coping with stress. I excused the lack of sleep off as too much homework, when in truth, it was bad dreams. I excused myself from not eating because I wasn’t hungry, when in fact I was starving.

Realisation

Just before my exams started, two of my close friends started making me aware of not only what I was doing to myself but what I was doing to the people who cared about me.

Although I could tell how much I was hurting them, I still stayed in my ways, it wasn’t until I had a more serious breakdown and landed in hospital that I started to realise I had a problem.

Getting help

I went to see a counsellor who helped me through quite a few problems. Although I was only with her for a short time, it made a world of difference.

I was able to look at things from a different perspective again. See that some things weren’t my fault and what were I could fix. I stopped cutting and started writing again, which I had done many years before.

Road to recovery

Although its not completely over for me, I’m managing on my own. To an extent. I still don’t like to be alone, and I still yearn to belong to something.

I’m starting to value my friends more, and being more open with them, allowing them to help me in any way I need. I can basically say that through all the suffering I put myself and my friends through, it was those people who helped me get back on my feet.

What can I do now?

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