Never stop fighting
My once valued friends became my bullies and I took it out on my family. I was completely alone I had no friends and I was always fighting with Mum. I withdrew from everyone and lashed out, almost getting charged in the process. I couldn’t take it anymore; the only thing that gave me security was a self-harm tool until one day I decided to use it to set me free – I tried to kill myself.
I’ve tried to free myself 3 other times since, but I’m still here.
During High school I gave up, I just didn’t care anymore; I let people hurt me because I felt I deserved it. So the bullying and harassment continued.
Even at home I was still fighting with my family, and then one of my uncles started assaulting me physically (not sexually). It hurt so much inside that there was only one way I could think to deal with it. I started self-harming, one pain cancelled out the other (temporarily), but the longer it went on the more I had to self-harm to get the same affect (it became an addiction).
My secret discovered
Then one day it got too much and I ran out of class, by the time the teacher found me I was locked in the toilet, crying with yet another cut.
I was sent to the school counsellor and welfare officer who sent me to another counsellor and so on until I had been passed around to 4 counsellors, 3 psychologists, doctors, psychiatrists, and the list goes on.
I didn’t like counselling to start off with and then I felt like giving up on it altogether when I was raped about 6 months after I started the counselling, but I persisted; I kept fighting. The fact that each counsellor gave me different advice and explanations didn’t help. But I kept going no matter how uncomfortable and painful it was, and it started to help.
Fighting for myself
I started seeing my partner while I was in counselling. In the beginning I didn’t think I was worth fighting for (even though the counsellors told me I had to keep fighting for myself), but I kept fighting for my partner and the people around me.
Music has been the biggest help – I often think that it’s all that was keeping me alive before I met my partner.
I’ve only just stopped self-harming and I still get temptation, but keeping temptations at a distance like not having any self-harm tools near me, thinking of the pain it causes my partner and friends (my family doesn’t know) and having my partner there to take away the temptation, to look after me until I have time to think and calm down, is a big help.
To this day my family still don’t know I’ve always been scared of what they would think and disappointing them. Once I started getting help and moved out things with my family did improve a lot.
I talked to friends a little (not that I had many or even felt like talking at that point). I talk to my partner and I still get help from my doctor and CBT sessions with a psychologists. If things start feeling bad for me then I also see a counsellor and psychiatrist.
It gets better
Even today I still take medication and get regular help; I still have days when I feel like “After all this time I’m still not better so what’s tomorrow going to change”. But I’m still here and slowly getting better, because no matter how hard it got and how much I wanted to give up I kept fighting. I just needed a push in the right direction to get me started.
So not matter what Never stop fighting.