Sex with a new partner

heartsSo you’ve met someone new and think they’re wonderful. You like the same things, want to spend every minute together and now you want to take things further. That’s when the stress kicks in.

Is it the right time? Will she want to? Will he think you’re ‘easy’? What if it goes wrong? Whether it’s your first time having sex, or your first time with a new partner, it’s normal to get stressed when deciding to take a relationship to the next level. The decision is different for everyone and it’s up to you to choose when.

First off, take a deep breath and calm down. If you’re thinking about having sex with someone you really like, then talking about it’s the best way to make sure you’re both on the same page. Bringing it up can be awkward – both of you are probably thinking about it, but who wants to mention it first? Guys might feel like they’re pressuring someone into sex if they bring it up, while girls might feel like they’ll look desperate.

Talking about it

The last thing you might feel like doing is sharing your worries with the person you want to have sex with. It doesn’t seem sexy to be scared about it, or worried about contraception. Maybe they’ve done it before, and you don’t want them to think you’re pathetic.

But if you care about the person, and think they care about you too, talking about what’s happening can take the stress out of the situation. Admitting you’re scared won’t make them like you less. Plus, you’ll know you’re both on the same page when it comes to the importance of contraception. Check out contraception for more info. If they know you’re nervous they’ll know to move slowly and not rush you into things.

Having sex because he or she wants you to isn’t a good enough reason – if you’re ready, you’ll want it too. Actually, if he or she is pressuring you into having sex, it means they’re not ready either. Check out consent and sex for more.

Things to remember

Relax

Of course you’re nervous, but too much anxiety will take the fun out of an exciting situation. Your first time with a new partner could be slightly awkward as both of you learn to negotiate each other’s bodies. That’s ok. It’s awkward for both of you, so that’s where talking comes in. Don’t try too hard to impress, because he or she probably doesn’t want to feel like you’re putting on a show.

Be prepared

Stock up on condoms in advance, so there’s no emergency trip to the pharmacy at midnight. On the other hand, whether they come to yours or you go to theirs, don’t assume that sex is on the cards unless you’ve discussed it. Let them know you’re having a good time and wait and see what happens.

Take your time

Everyone likes different things, so your approach to sex with previous lovers may not work on this occasion. Exploring people’s preferences and discovering what excites them is part of the fun when having sex.
 You’re probably both nervous, so even if you’ve both decided tonight’s the night, it doesn’t mean you can’t postpone it if the mood isn’t right. Wait until you’re both sure you’re ready – it’ll be worth the delay.

Don’t forget your sense of humour

If you’re expecting sex with someone new to be a cinematic experience, think again. Don’t wait for the other person to read your mind – tell them what you want, whether you want to try something different, or whether something’s making you uncomfortable. Both of you should aim to take care of each other’s needs. It’s no fun if you’re too concerned about your own pleasure, but at the same time, they should make efforts to please you. If something goes wrong, it’s not the end of the world. Don’t stress if something embarrassing happens, just laugh about it with the other person. Sex is fun, but it can also be funny.

Check out sex – am I ready? for more information on having sex for the first time.

Comments Show all comments

  1. roisin says:

    Hi Mike,

    Firstly we would advise that you get checked out by your doctor just to rule out if there is anything physical that may be causing or contributing to this.

    It's important to remember that there is no right or wrong way for you to feel right now. The sexual side of your new relationship could be something that will develop with time. So you don't need to push yourself. It's normal to feel different after ending such a long relationship and a relationship with a new person is bound to be very different in many ways.

    If you really are worried about this it's a really good idea to speak to somebody you trust about it. Speaking to someone could help you identify some reasons that may not have occurred to you and a trusted friend and family member could help you come up with some things that may help you.

    If you don't feel like speaking to someone you know then you may consider speaking to someone outside of the situation. A professional like a counsellor or psychologist would be able to help you organise your thoughts, and come up with strategies so that you can start to feel OK about how you feel. Your doctor should be able to put you in touch with someone or you can find someone at the counselling directory.

    I hope this helps,
    Roisin

  2. mike says:

    I'm out of a long-term relationship 5 years but a few months out now. We use to have really good sex but I'm not in the mood with my new partner. I want to be close and we kiss lots but I'm not interested in sex and I'm finding hard to be turned on. What can I do ?

  3. roisin says:

    Hi there Ibrihim,

    Thinking about having sex for the first time can be a big step and can seem a little scary. It's a good idea that you want to talk to this girl about it first so that you can make sure you both have the same expectations. The above fact sheet has some really good advice that is worth a read if you are thinking about having sex for the first time. You may also find these articles on communication and myths about sex helpful.

    When something is new it can feel a little daunting and starting a conversation about sex can feel a little awkward or embarrassing. However, it really will be worth it to talk through everything first so that you both know what to expect and how the other person feels.

    I hope this helps,

    Roisin

  4. Ibrahim says:

    I have never had sex before in my life and I don't no how to come about it I mean how am I going to talk to the gilr that about it....?

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