Helping you get through tough times with information on anxiety, depression, mental health and well-being.
Sex with a new partner
Is it the right time? Will she want to? Will he think you’re “easy”? What if it goes wrong?
Whether it’s your first time having sex, or your first time with a new partner, it’s normal to get stressed when deciding to take a relationship to the next level. The decision is different for everyone and it’s up to you to choose when.
First off, take a deep breath and calm down. If you’re thinking about having sex with someone you really like, then talking about it’s the best way to make sure you’re both on the same page.
Bringing it up can be awkward. Both of you are probably thinking about it, but who wants to mention it first? Guys might feel like they’re pressuring someone into sex if they bring it up, while girls might feel like they’ll look desperate.
Talking about it
The last thing you might feel like doing is sharing your worries with the person you want to have sex with. It doesn’t seem sexy to be scared about it, or worried about contraception. Maybe they’ve done it before, and you don’t want them to think you’re pathetic.
But if you care about the person, and think they care about you too, talking about what’s happening can take the stress out of the situation.
Admitting you’re scared won’t make them like you less. Plus, you’ll know you’re both on the same page when it comes to the importance of contraception.
Check out contraception for more information. If they know you’re nervous they’ll know to move slowly and not rush you into things.
Having sex because he or she wants you to isn’t a good enough reason – if you’re ready, you’ll want it too. Actually, if he or she is pressuring you into having sex, it means they’re not ready either. Check out consent and sex for more.
Things to remember
Of course you’re nervous, but too much anxiety will take the fun out of an exciting situation. Your first time with a new partner could be slightly awkward as both of you learn to negotiate each other’s bodies. That’s OK. It’s awkward for both of you, so that’s where talking comes in. Don’t try too hard to impress, because he or she probably doesn’t want to feel like you’re putting on a show.
Stock up on condoms in advance, so there’s you don’t get caught without. On the otherhand, whether they come to yours or you go to theirs, don’t assume sex is on the cards unless you’ve discussed it. Let them know you’re having a good time and wait and see what happens.
Take your time
Everyone likes different things, so your approach to sex with previous lovers may not work on this occasion. Exploring people’s preferences and discovering what excites them is part of the fun when having sex.
You’re probably both nervous, so even if you’ve both decided tonight’s the night, it doesn’t mean you can’t postpone it if the mood isn’t right. Wait until you’re both sure you’re ready . It’ll be worth the delay.
Don’t forget your sense of humour
If you’re expecting sex with someone new to be a cinematic experience, think again. Don’t wait for the other person to read your mind – tell them what you want, whether you want to try something different, or whether something’s making you uncomfortable.
Both of you should aim to take care of each other’s needs. It’s no fun if you’re too concerned about your own pleasure, but at the same time, they should make efforts to please you.
If something goes wrong, it’s not the end of the world. Don’t stress if something embarrassing happens, just laugh about it with the other person. Sex is fun, but it can also be funny.
Check out sex – am I ready? for more information on having sex for the first time.
Last updated: 15 January 2015