Relationship problems
We all want love to be like it seems in the movies. A romantic soundtrack, long walks on the beach and eternal happiness with the person of your dreams.
But the truth is, life often gets in the way of romance.
It might seem impossible in the early stages of a relationship to imagine yourself rowing with the other person. But as you grow more comfortable with each other, things can start getting on your nerves. Every relationship has its ups and downs so it’s normal to argue. But if you find your arguments lasting for days, or spiralling into shouting matches, it’s time to improve your communication skills as a couple.
If an argument ever turns violent, you may be in an abusive relationship. Take action immediately to get out of the situation.
Dealing with arguments
Look for the real issue – arguments about money, housework or sex are often about other problems under the surface. So an argument about who washes up could be about not taking each other for granted, while a row about money could be about respecting boundaries. Try to deal with the real issue at the heart of the argument, through honest communication.
Don’t get defensive – communication is great, but it’s no good getting offended every time your boyfriend or girlfriend points out something that’s bothering them. You might not agree with them, but try to listen and take their feelings on board without getting angry.
Explain your mood – if you’re in a bad mood you’ll want your boyfriend or girlfriend to go easy on you. But if you don’t tell them about your mood, how can you expect them to tread softly? Don’t expect the other person to be a mind-reader.
Say sorry – one of the hardest words in the English language to say is “sorry”. If you know you’re in the wrong, admit it. Don’t persist with your argument for the sake of your pride. It shows maturity in a relationship if you can admit defeat and move on.
Let things go – holding grudges can build up resentment in a relationship. If you’ve discussed something and come to a resolution, don’t file your boyfriend’s or girlfriend’s misdeeds away so you can bring them up during the next argument.
Keeping it exciting
Excitement levels can decrease once you’ve been with someone a while, but that’s normal. The “butterflies” in your stomach you felt whenever you saw your new girlfriend or boyfriend might be gone, but this can turn into a sense of closeness. Which is also pretty great.
Some tips for keeping your relationship exciting:
Be romantic – the excitement of a new relationship often fades, but that doesn’t mean you should let things get boring. Keep the romance alive by making time for each other, going on dates and not taking each other for granted.
Give each other space – it can be nice to share everything with your partner, from having the same friends, to taking the same college course. But if the relationship is going to last, it’s important each of you have separate lives and interests. That way neither of you will feel crowded.
Speak to someone else – talking to someone you trust can help you figure out whether you’re just going through a bad patch with your boyfriend or girlfriend, or whether you need to move on. See support from friends and family for more.
Staying faithful
One of the pitfalls of a long-term relationship is feeling attracted to other people. Is it possible to stay faithful and happy in a committed relationship? High numbers of people admit to cheating on their partners, with many relationships failing because of infidelity. Experts say communication is the key to avoiding mistrust and temptation in a relationship.
Some tips on how to stay faithful:
Talk – if you feel attracted to other people, tell your partner how you feel. They may be feeling the same way. Being open about feeling tempted can build trust between you and prevent it from becoming a guilty secret. Sometimes it’s ok to flirt with other people, as long as you’re aware of the boundaries and respect your partner.
Shake things up – if you feel like the excitement is fading, inject life into your relationship by going on a romantic date or holiday. If you’re sexually active with your partner, trying new things can stop the relationship from becoming too routine. However, make sure both people in the relationship are comfortable before deciding to experiment. See sex with a new partner for more.
Make them feel special – taking your partner for granted means when other people show them attention they’ll feel flattered. We’re often automatically attracted to people when we know they like us. Make sure your partner knows how much you like them so they won’t feel swept away by validation from another source.
Work it out together
Relationship problems can occur for many reasons - from poor communication to having different expectations. No relationship runs smoothly all of the time. If we recognise this and try to handle difficult times together, then it’s possible to remain happy together in a long-term relationship. If you and your partner feel you can’t work out your problems together, talk to someone outside the situation. Relationship counselling can help both people to be honest about their feelings. See face-to-face help for more.
Hi Kay,
I can see that you seem really stressed. It can be hard maintaining a relationship while also parenting two young children, and working on different time schedules on top of it. That must be very difficult for the both of you. It makes sense that you would be so tired on the weekends, and not have as much energy to put towards each other. Between that and some of the other things you mentioned, I can see why you would feel overwhelmed. It might be helpful to talk to a close friend, family member, or even a counsellor about what you’re feeling. Counsellors can help teach us ways to cope with stress and work through tough situations. Often when we are stressed, it can take a toll on our relationships, and learning how to cope with the stress can help is all areas of our life.
Couples counselling can also be helpful for working through situations like this as well. If you and your husband were interested in trying couples counselling, Relationships Ireland offers confidential counselling and support services that can help us understand and resolve difficulties in our relationships. They may be good people to get in touch with. You can visit their website to find out more or you can lo-call 1890 380 380 or email info@relationshipsireland.com.
Look after yourself and be good to yourself. What you’re going through sounds stressful so don’t forget to look after yourself and do things you enjoy. Taking time out to do things like going for a walk, taking a bath, or reading a book can help us to relax and clear our minds. This can help us think about situations more clearly and cope better with stress.
Take Care,
Nikki
I have been married to my husband for 6 years and we have had 2 children in the last 4 years. I look after the kids at home during the day while my husband is at work and then I go to work literally the minute he comes in the door and don't finish until 12 or so. We have every weekend together but by that stage I am exhausted and not able for much else, we never go out and as you can imagine our sex life is suffering as a result.
I live over 200 miles from my family and can get lonely and get to see them every other month.
I have also recently gave up smoking last month and my husband still smokes so that is another thing that bothers me, the smell off his breath, yuck!
I just feel it's all getting on top of me and everything is annoying me. We always seem to be on a roller coaster and when things are going great, its fabulous but when it goes crap again, it's just here we go again. I just don't know how much more we can go on like this. I want us to work it out, very much so, I just don't know how. Some advice would be great, thank you.
Hi Yvonne,
These kinds of situations can be really tough on us and we can feel confused and overwhelmed and a whole range of other emotions.
Remember, you shouldn’t have to change who you are in order to make a relationship work. Relationships are built on mutual trust, understanding and respect for each other and it’s not really fair to ask someone to change things about themselves.
It sounds like your boyfriend is confused at the moment too and maybe he does need some space and time to think things through so that he can decide if he wants to continue in this relationship.
You have the right to do some thinking too, and if you feel that you’re ok with who you are, and you don’t want to change, then that’s perfectly ok. Whatever you decide and whatever you feel, let your boyfriend know and then you can decide together whether to continue your relationship. It’s good to talk these things through with each other so that you understand where the other person is coming from and how they are feeling.
Here are some communication tips that might help.
We understand how tough this must be and we hope you have a friend or family member you can talk to about this, as it’s important not to bottle feelings like this up.
Take care Yvonne,
Fenella
Me and the boyfriend having being going out for a yr and half....... Comes out last wednesday 3 weeks ago and said we were finished..... Give me no reason or anything..... And den 1 week ago he texts me me to meet up for a chat....... He wants to work out things......... But he said their is a few things I have too change........ He said I am childish and I need to grow up....... He is giving it a month and den he is going too make a decision.......